New Era

"It is the hurt that breaks me, it is the pain that brings me to my knees and the tears they change me to what I couldn't see become so real to me. This is the way, the way that You love me." Anthony Evans

The first time I heard this song it was all I could do to hold back the flood gates of tears. Sometimes I hear a song and it immediately speaks to me. This was one of those songs. Since that night I must have played it at least a hundred times. Each time the tears come. My current circumstances have been the pain God has used to break me. It is absolutely true that the pain brings me to my knees. If I did not experience pain, I would be self-confident and think I could do it myself.

In an article I read, "Weeping is one of the mechanisms that humans use to get rid of some toxins. Tears may be involved in removing waste products or toxic substances from the body."

I knew crying was beneficial emotionally, but never thought about the physical benefits. After going through these past two years, I am tired of crying. Been there done that, now let's move on. Just when I think I am beyond the tears, the waterfall starts. Recently, a friend reminded me it was ok to still cry. Selfishly I did not want others to think I was crying because of my situation. It is because of the effects my situation is having on my children and the burden I have for their emotional healing. Anthony's song is correct that the tears do indeed change us, they have changed me. I am still somewhat reserved when around others with my tears; however, I allow them to freely flow when alone before my Father. Nothing has changed with my circumstances, but I have drawn near to God Almighty. When I get up I am renewed!

After almost twenty-three years, this chapter of my life is over. The book may be put on clearance or used as a door stopper, but I have been blessed with three very special "chapters" that will continue to be written in a different book-what I am learning to accept as our new normal. Some ask, including my kids, why God allows things like this to happen. If we consider this question, we would have to ask why God allows us. We are sinful, self-seeking individuals that fall short continually, yet God's love remains unconditional. A former pastor, Wayne Barber, always said, "Anything less than hell is grace." May I continue to remember this when I begin to question God. May I step back and allow God to be God!

April has been called a "new era." I do not know what this new era will bring, but I do know HE KNOWS. I choose to rest in Him!